Trophies and Esteem

When I was in the 5th grade, a friend of mine talked me into joining a recreation soccer team. It was my first introduction to the sport. I remember playing as a defender and wearing really ugly red, white, and blue striped stockings. (They weren't part of the uniform, I just wore them--probably because I lost my actual soccer socks). I remember my mom being upset because I was on defense, and being new at the sport too she assumed that you stick all your bad players in defense and all the good ones in offense to score goals to win the game.

I'm still not sure if that meant that she thought I was one of the worst players and she didn't want anyone to figure it out because of my position on the field, or if she thought I was better than some and she expected me to play up front with Pele`-type aspirations...

Anyway. From that point on I was hooked. I played rec soccer for a few years. At one point I was on a team with Mr. Enomoto as my coach. We were a last place team. We really weren't any good. But Enomoto was a good coach. Within a couple of years we were the 1st place team in our age bracket. We earned ourselves a trophy. My mom was happy. I was playing forward at that point, and yes, I was scoring a lot of goals...but the defense was just as important to winning and we had all figured that out by then.

From that point, I tried out for a competitive soccer team and played on what was then one of the best girl soccer teams in the State. We went to out-of-State tournaments, played in two leagues--our U18 girls and in a Women's league, so I was playing soccer 6 days a week. When we would win 1st place we would get a trophy at the end of the season. When we took 2nd place, we would get a smaller trophy for the season. If we ever took 3rd or 4th...etc....we would get a 'thanks for playing' and a 'try harder next year'.

All that rambling gets me to my point. (Yes, I have a point)

I've been thinking about this for awhile now. Ever since my kids were old enough to participate in team sports. I played hard in soccer. Worked hard at it to improve my skills. I worked with my teammates and we strived to do our best. When we took 1st place we earned that trophy and it meant a lot to us. I have 3 of my old trophies on the desk next to my computer right now.

When my oldest daughter was old enough to play soccer I was surprised when at the end of the season EVERY kid who participated got a trophy. Not just the 1st and 2nd place teams. Everyone. The last place team was treated equally with the team that had taken 1st place. And it isn't ony in soccer. My son gets trophies for baseball in the same manner.

I sure hope it isn't just me, but does that seem right to you? All this talk lately about children's self-esteem is going to eveyone's head.

Here is how I see it. We are teaching our children NOT that everyone is equal and that we are all winners no matter what it says in the scorebook, but that it doesn't matter if you apply yourself and work really hard because in the end you will get the same reward as the guy who didn't care enough to even show up to half the games.

Now, when you have a bunch of 6 year olds running around learning the sport, I can almost see where the mothers in charge of warm fuzzies would want all the kids to get a prize for participating. And there is actually nothing wrong with a participation prize. But couldn't they still have a 1st and 2nd place trophy so that the next season it might spark enough desire in the kid who ended up with just a lousy medal to play a little harder and aim for the shiny trophy?

In the long run, I don't see how keeping everything exactly 'fair' is good for anyone. In school you get an 'A' for your hard work, and if you are a slacker you don't. Easy, right? In the work force--hopefully--you get rewarded for hard and ethical work, and if you aren't pulling your weight you might suddenly find yourself looking for a new job. Even in high school sports they do the trophy thing the right way.

So why do we pamper the little kids? Why not teach them young how to fight a little more for what they want? Or how to work harder with others to be successful? Or how participating is a great thing, but if you really go the extra mile and work at it you might get the big prize? I don't see how that can hurt them. It can only prepare them so that in the future, when bigger things come up like college and jobs and marriage, they will know how to dig in and work hard. How to be a good team member and know that if you work hard with others who are also trying to achieve the same objective, eveyone wins. Some years you get a participation medal for showing up. Sometimes you will work hard and the joker in the cubicle next to you holds back the whole team so that pat on the back is all you get. But other years it all comes together and playing nice and working hard gives you the ultimate reward--be it respect, love, social position, a better job, integrity, a good reputation, or even an 18" dust collector to display next to your computer for you to be proud of even 20 years later. Because you went above the call of just showing up. You actually earned it.